days, family, future

The grave to hug – Dsy

Being far from our family is never a best choice, but it’s sometimes better than staying closer to them and getting less thing for life.
That’s the reason why people prefer to live separately, earn money, earn knowledge, and they expect nothing, except, at the end, use both for the sake of the family they left behind.

That’s also the reason why I decided to leave home, stay this far, just dreaming that I will do something better after I complete my journey.

Leaving home is not easy, even harder if you are a girl, decide to leave and stay alone, far from family, far from their ‘protection’.
Technology indeed a best partner for every ‘aloner’ because we can keep connecting with our family, anytime.
I can talk to my mom every time.
I can chat with my brother all days.
I can do everything with them.
Less thing is, it lacks of presence.
It feels like, it’s here, but it’s far.

I have been away for such a long time.
I started living separately from my family when I entered my Junior High.
I started my first ‘real’ journey on 2009, and continue traveling since then.
The hardest part was 2011 when I decided to ‘make a living’ in other place.
Will have my own house, yet not replacing my ‘home’.

Being far, is never a real choice I ever wanted, if there were a better things there.
But I have to deal with the reality that, those better things are here, in the further place, in the place where I can’t see my home from.

Being far, is never easy.
I once came back, and realize that leaving feels harder than before.
It always feels that way.
Leaving is always hard.
It’s never getting easier when we thing we get used to it.

Being far, is even harder, because you know you will miss many things.
There will be many moments that you are not there.
You will just get the share, the videos, pictures, and the story.
Could this replace the real feel of being there? It could absolutely not.

Many of my friends here, feel the same, I guess.
Many things are celebrated while we are away.
My first Ramadhan of being away, was 2009 when I had my summer school.
I did my Ramadhan, Ifthar, Ied’ Fithr, with no family.
I couldn’t hug my family before Ramadhan, I just made a skype call instead.
I couldn’t eat what my family cooked for ifthar, I just got some pictures of them.
I was not there on Ied’ when all people gather in our masjid, I was in other place, getting on and off many trains, to reach masjid and prayed Ied’.
My second, third, and next Ramadhan of being away is always here in Sapporo.
Again, I am doing my whole things about Ramadhan, Ied’ Fithr and Ied’ Adha here, without my family.

The good things is, it is all about celebration and having a good moment.
Even when we are far from each other, it’s a happy moment.
We can share laughters, love, happiness and smile by phone call or internet, and I can also share with other friends who also celebrate these moments.

But, have you ever imagined, when what appears is the contrary thing, such as, accident, or even worse, death?
Have you ever imagined, when you are here, something bad happened to your family?

It is, a very bad feeling.
And it gets worse, because you are away.
Do you know why it gets worse? Let me tell you..

It is that you are alone, no one to share the tears.
It is that you are far, you cannot even be there, with your family.
It is that you are alone, dealing with the strange feeling, that perhaps it didn’t happen, if only it were just a joke, but then you know that it was real..
What can yo do then?
Keep crying? Yes.
Keep blaming fate? Yes.
Keep wishing to be home? Yes.
Keep wishing that you were dreaming? Yes.

It’s never an easy thing to deal with.
Being far is a hell, when we talk about family, and the moments we’ve missed.

I will be sad to do Ramadhan alone, yet I’m happy because it’s Ramadhan, and many people here are the same, doing Ramadhan.
I will be sad to pray Ied’ here, yet I’m happy because it’s Ied’.
I will be sad when my baby niece or nephew were born and I am not ther, yet it feels great..

What if, what if, one day, during your working hour, you get a phone call, from home..
It’s not Ramadhan, it’s not Ied, it’s not a birth, it is a death.
How does it feel?
To be missing the very last day of your family?
To be missing the funeral?
How does it feel?
To cry alone, remembering their tight hug when you left home last month?
How does it feel?
To cry alone, remembering your last phone call conversation yesterday morning?
How does it feel?
To know that once you come back home in the future, you will, never, see, them, again?

Let me tell you how it feels for me.
It feels like hell.
It’s painfully and shockingly hurting, from inside.
It feels like you wanna fly back home, but your wings are broken.
It feels like you lose nothing, but it’s empty.
It feels like.
Argh, I cannot even tell you how it feels like.
It’s even worse than how I can tell.
It’s always worse, when we talk about death.

As for me, I need hundred hours dealing with my tears, alone.
I took days to recover.
But still, it means nothing.
I’m now ‘back to normal’, not that I complete dealing with this fact, but it’s just, that, I get used to it.
As for now, I am going on with my life, my study and research are waiting.
I am back to my desk.
But still, I lose one thing, I lose the reason, to smile.

Yesterday, I started picking up other phone call from home, after disappearing for a while.
Last night I started watching a funny movie. I smiled, a little. Then things feel weird. I wasn’t smiling. Today I started opening my chat room, and say Hi to friends.

I will smile again.
I won’t cry anymore.
I try. Not to make things worse, and let the death conquer me.

I will smile.
I will learn about letting things go.
I will be happier.
And I will do better things, to make her proud of me.
Even if, what I find next year is, her grave, not her body to hug :’)


As for now, for everyone, don’t be afraid to leave home, even if it will be hard.
We only need to be ready, because things could happen anytime, either good and bad things, it will happen as written.
Just do your best as long as you can.
Hug them when they are closer.
Love them even when they are a way.
And always pray for them.


Quote : “death is not the end, it’s just transforming people to memories”


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